Stranded Burners Hit With Burnbola!
In an unexpected turn of events at this year's Burning Man, attendees are being hit with a rapidly-spreading virus known as "Burnbola."
While this may sound like a fiery dance move, it's actually a highly contagious ailment with symptoms that can only be described as bizarre and bewildering.
The outbreak began when a participant, who had just completed an epic sunrise yoga session while balancing on a giant flaming rubber duck, suddenly reported feeling "strangely sparkly." Within hours, dozens of other Burners also started experiencing peculiar symptoms that left medical professionals scratching their heads and festival-goers shaking their glow sticks in dismay.
With the shelter-in-place in force due to the weather, the virus has been spreading at an incredible pace.
Symptom #1: Spontaneous Disco Fever - One of the most common and eye-catching symptoms of Burnbola is the sudden onset of "Spontaneous Disco Fever." Infected individuals break into uncontrollable dance routines at the most inconvenient times. Picture this: you're trying to have a deep conversation about the meaning of life in the middle of the desert when suddenly, your fellow Burner starts doing the electric slide. Not exactly the philosophical discussion you had in mind.
Symptom #2: Neon Glitter Eruptions - Another troubling manifestation of Burnbola is the inexplicable eruption of neon glitter from various body parts. It's not uncommon to see festival-goers sprouting shimmering streams of neon glitter from their ears, noses, and even belly buttons. Some Burners have reported accidentally blinding themselves while attempting to apply sunscreen. Serious concerns for biological moop from the glitter have Rangers concerned, at best.
Symptom #3: Flaming Hiccups - In the spirit of Burning Man, Burnbola has introduced a twist with "Flaming Hiccups." Infected individuals emit small fireballs during hiccup fits, turning innocent conversations into impromptu fire juggling performances. Fire safety has suddenly become a top priority, and fire spinners have been brought in to consult on mitigation ideas.
Symptom #4: Tribal Alien Language - Perhaps the most bewildering symptom of Burnbola is the temporary acquisition of a tribal alien language. Infected Burners have been overheard speaking in bizarre tongues that sound like a mix of Klingon and the Jabberwocky poem. Infected Burners have been showing up at Center Camp, trying to order a coffee in a seemingly-alien language. This has become a linguistic adventure of epic proportions, especially because there is no coffee this year.
Symptom #5: Spontaneous Art Installations - As if this year's Burning Man didn't have enough art installations, Burnbola-infected individuals have started creating their own spontaneous art exhibits. These range from impromptu interpretive dance performances to intricate sandcastle sculptures. One Burner even built a life-size replica of the Eiffel Tower out of recycled beer cans.
While the outbreak of "Burnbola" has certainly added a unique and unexpected twist to this year's Burning Man, it's important to remember that nobody's been hurt yet. Stay safe, have fun, and remember, if you start experiencing these symptoms, it's probably just a result of too much mud and rain, and not enough hydration.
